If you've just moved to New York City and you think that this is the hottest shit of a place you've ever seen, you just wait, more than likely this summer you will be proven right. For when August rolls in, and the winds completely stop, the temperatures reach and jump over the higher nineties and even dare to climb onto the hundreds a horrid stench starts to rise from the city. It seems everything starts to heat, then melt, and then steam releasing an evil brew of asphalt, human breath, last week's trash, sewage and that hard to describe smell of the subway tunnels. Of all of these the most unfamiliar was the subway smell.
It was a like a strange sci-fi creature, half organic, half metallic, half machine, half current it was ever present but never seen. As the months went by, August suddenly came by. Everyone told I must dread August in New York City but I just could not believe that NYC was going to get all that hot. Well it did, and this year it seemed to be worse than others according to the locals. In the office I was fine, the A/C was always in high gear there. At home I was in good hands thanks to the two windows units I had. But on the street... On the street there was simply no escape from the heat. As I walked back from the 1st Avenue Subway station back to my apartment it felt like I was in an oven with both the grill and oven turned on at the same time. The pavement that had been absorbing the heat all day long now had reached its threshold and had no intention of keeping all of this heat to itself --so it released the heat, steadily and viciously. As I reached my apartment, my backpack's straps were beginning to leave sweat marks on the front of my shirt.
At first I thought, ah this will pass, it is a day or two of real hot weather, I can do this, no problem. Then as the weeks of August progresses what I thought would be the exception became the norm. A scolding hot day after another followed.
Waiting at the subway station for the train went from being a torture because of the irregular unreasonable schedules of the trains to one that just involved cooking in there until my turkey button popped out.
The interesting thing was, here was I in shorts and a thin white t-shirt sweating like a turkey before thanksgiving while the businessmen headed downtown seemed to be doing just fine in their three piece business suits. Perhaps the Wall Street bunch were indeed cold blooded. That's an unfair thought, I thought to myself as I smirked. The train arrived after pushing another piston full of stale subterranean air through the station. The doors opened, and the cool air rushed out; the torture was over. Well at least until I reach my destination.
Category :
--A step by step guide into claiming your sanity, your life, your neighborhood back.
Meriam-Webster Definition:
1 : an act of crushing
2 : the quantity of material crushed
3 a : a crowding together (as of people) b : CROWD, MOB; especially : a crowd of people pressing against one another
4 : an intense and usually passing infatuation; also : the object of infatuation
Definition number four is the winner.
The strange thing about a crush is, he was there the same spot you saw him for the first time, perhaps yesterday, doing the same old things being the same all crushing person he is, perhaps for someone else. This is before you saw him and granted him the rights to crushing you indefinitely.
We're talking about someone who you run into regularly in a public setting and you never get to meet them. After a while they usually know that you're insane, and that you have this crush thing going which of course makes it all the more impossible to meet the person because they believe you're a freak.
So you see them day after day, week after week and never get to talk to them. You see them at the grocery store, at the westside highway running, or if you're gay at your local gym.
Then slowly a story emerges. First you make up a name for him. The red tanktop guy, the skinhead guy, the shoulders guy, the nike guy, the list goes on. You pick a certain physical aspect that makes this guy noticeable to you and make it their name. Then follows the rest of the story. You start inventing their character, perhaps after overhearing a conversation, or maybe observing what they're wearing, they're carrying.
Before you know, you're asking friends about him, pointing him out openly at the gym, trying to get to meet him, looking for him on friendster, looking for him in clubs that you do not want to go to....until...until you're a full-fledged stalker that's picking up receipts from the trash to find out his real name.
What started out as a fun game now has started to consume a significant part of your life. And it seems every time you actually find out something about the person instead of calming you down, it adds fuel to the fire.
Come here my friend, let me give you a hug. You have a crush, and if you do not stop and listen now, it will eventually crush you. That's why they call it that.
So here's a crush junkie's guide to ridding yourself off of nasty crushes and hopefully avoiding new ones:
Remedy #1:
Don't get a crush in the first place. What the hell am I talking about like you're going to be able to do this. Skip to step 2.
Remedy #2:
Go meet the damn guy. Yeah right, if you could do that you would not be reading this entry. But seriously, if at all possible go and meet him. You will find that the moment you meet him there will be an immediate crack appearing in the crush. Soon as you find out more about this person, you will realize that he has nothing to do with who you thought he was.
Remedy #3:
If at all possible, try to avoid going to the places you go to run into your crush. Now dont'cha start saying it's blind luck. Don't lie, I know you're going to the gym at 6:30pm to run into him although going there at that time requires you to brave two extremely crowded trains, the pouring rain, and perhaps a rough cab ride.
Change the time, change the location, mix your life up a little. The monotony of your life is the reason you got yourself a crush in the first place. Go on a vacation, give yourself a break. When you come back you will wonder what you were so obsessed about.
Remedy #4:
Unfortunately, after applying remedy #3, and feeling just fine afterwards, at least more than 50% of you will run into your crush and the whole thing will start all over. If you're in the other group, I take my hat off to you, you're what progress is made of.
So, here you are again, getting crushed, and not in a good way. you tried meeting him, it did not work, you tried avoiding him it did not work. Soon there are parts of the town you can not go to, certain restaurants you can not dine at, hell even shopping is not what it used to be. So it seems like you're a prisoner in your own city and you deserve better than that.
Well, go get yourself a boyfriend. Easier said than done, this if accomplished will rid you of 99% of most crushes. This is because you will focus on this new person you're dating and I hope this shift in focus will mean you will have less attention span for other people.
If the relationship does not last, go get yourself another one and another one, and another one. Be a serial monogamist and enjoy it. I would rather have you become a serial monogamist than a serially crushed person.
Remedy #5:
Use only if the dating thing does not work. Move to another town completely. Just pick up and go. The crush will not follow unless of course he has a crush on you too. Gosh people, why can't you be more normal??? *just kidding*
Final Remedy:
Well this one actually is a catch all. Feel free to use this before or after any of the above listed remedies.
Just listen to me. The person you're obsessed about is human. Beside being physically attractive to you, this is just an ordinary guy. As Rita Hayworth said about her troublesome love life: "they go to bed with Gilda, and they wake up with me". For those of you not familiar with her movies, Gilda is her temptress-gone-bad mix of Satine, the courtesan, and the film noir black widow.
Your crush is the same. If there was any chance you met your crush, and dated him, you would be highly dissapointed with him, with the relationship, with yourself, and perhaps with everything. This is because your expectations are unrealistic. You are attached to an unreal person you created in your head and then projected onto a walking breathing pile of meat.
Remember, when he opens his mouth, you know he is going to be all like "Ghurrll", then he will smile and you will see his ugly teeth, next he will take off his shirt, and he will have the biggest ugliest scar on his arm, then he will speak and all that he will be talking about will be his last trick, and how he has slept with all of Manhattan and half of Brooklyn and Jersey. He will be eating dinner with you in the restaurant, picking his teeth with his fingers, he will be spitting pieces and not closing his mouth while he is chewing, perhaps he will be burping, and even laughing about it. He will go to bed with you, the sex might totally suck, or worse yet after a great night of sex, he will turn around, release a largest fart you have ever heard and experienced in technicolor THX surround sound. In the mornin,g he will wake up with drool running down his cheek, and his face will look like hell, he will clip his toenails while still in bed, perhaps even leave the bathroom door open when he goes to do a number 2. Later after a few weeks of dating, while doing laundry you will get to marvel at his skid marks, you will find his dildos next, and the video tape he made with his previous lover, he probably will not stop talking about his exes, or maybe he will spend your money until you're broke, he might even ask you to buy things constantly, or cheat on you from day one.
I don't want to sound bitter and I do not want to make you bitter but the truth is we're all human. I assure you that one person alone will not have all of the shortcomings I listed above, but they all will have one or the other.
What you need to realize is, your guy on the big pedestal is not chiseled out of marble, he is just flesh and bones; what seems like a perfect complexion from 6 feet away sometimes turns out to be a skin covered with millions of dark freckles from over-tanning.
Keep these things on your mind; and above all else, love yourself. You're hotter, smarter, and more shaggable than you think. For once look at the mirror and see your real self. He's been there in the mirror waiting for you to see him all this time.
Meriam-Webster Definition:
1 : an act of crushing
2 : the quantity of material crushed
3 a : a crowding together (as of people) b : CROWD, MOB; especially : a crowd of people pressing against one another
4 : an intense and usually passing infatuation
Definition number four is the winner.
The strange thing about a crush is, he was there the same spot you saw him for the first time, perhaps yesterday, doing the same old things being the same all crushing person he is, perhaps for someone else. This is before you saw him and granted him the rights to crushing you indefinitely.
We're talking about someone who you run into regularly in a public setting and you never get to meet them. After a while they usually know that you're insane, and that you have this crush thing going which of course makes it all the more impossible to meet the person because they believe you're a freak.
So you see them day after day, week after week and never get to talk to them. You see them at the grocery store, at the westside highway running, or if you're gay at your local gym.
Then slowly a story emerges. First you make up a name for him. The red tanktop guy, the skinhead guy, the shoulders guy, the nike guy, the list goes on. You pick a certain physical aspect that makes this guy noticeable to you and make it their name. Then follows the rest of the story. You start inventing their character, perhaps after overhearing a conversation, or maybe observing what they're wearing, they're carrying.
Before you know, you're asking friends about him, pointing him out openly at the gym, trying to get to meet him, looking for him on friendster, looking for him in clubs that you do not want to go to....until...until you're a full-fledged stalker that's picking up receipts from the trash to find out his real name.
What started out as a fun game now has started to consume a significant part of your life. And it seems every time you actually find out something about the person instead of calming you down, it adds fuel to the fire.
Come here my friend, let me give you a hug. You have a crush, and if you do not stop and listen now, it will eventually crush you. That's why they call it that.
So here's a crush junkie's guide to ridding yourself off of nasty crushes and hopefully avoiding new ones:
Remedy #1:
Don't get a crush in the first place. What the hell am I talking about like you're going to be able to do this. Skip to step 2.
Remedy #2:
Go meet the damn guy. Yeah right, if you could do that you would not be reading this entry. But seriously, if at all possible go and meet him. You will find that the moment you meet him there will be an immediate crack appearing in the crush. Soon as you find out more about this person, you will realize that he has nothing to do with who you thought he was.
Remedy #3:
If at all possible, try to avoid going to the places you go to run into your crush. Now dont'cha start saying it's blind luck. Don't lie, I know you're going to the gym at 6:30pm to run into him although going there at that time requires you to brave two extremely crowded trains, the pouring rain, and perhaps a rough cab ride.
Change the time, change the location, mix your life up a little. The monotony of your life is the reason you got yourself a crush in the first place. Go on a vacation, give yourself a break. When you come back you will wonder what you were so obsessed about.
Remedy #4:
Unfortunately, after applying remedy #3, and feeling just fine afterwards, at least more than 50% of you will run into your crush and the whole thing will start all over. If you're in the other group, I take my hat off to you, you're what progress is made of.
So, here you are again, getting crushed, and not in a good way. you tried meeting him, it did not work, you tried avoiding him it did not work. Soon there are parts of the town you can not go to, certain restaurants you can not dine at, hell even shopping is not what it used to be. So it seems like you're a prisoner in your own city and you deserve better than that.
Well, go get yourself a boyfriend. Easier said than done, this if accomplished will rid you of 99% of most crushes. This is because you will focus on this new person you're dating and I hope this shift in focus will mean you will have less attention span for other people.
If the relationship does not last, go get yourself another one and another one, and another one. Be a serial monogamist and enjoy it. I would rather have you become a serial monogamist than a serially crushed person.
Remedy #5:
Use only if the dating thing does not work. Move to another town completely. Just pick up and go. The crush will not follow unless of course he has a crush on you too. Gosh people, why can't you be more normal??? *just kidding*
Final Remedy:
Well this one actually is a catch all. Feel free to use this before or after any of the above listed remedies.
Just listen to me. The person you're obsessed about is human. Beside being physically attractive to you, this is just an ordinary guy. As Rita Hayworth said about her troublesome love life: "they go to bed with Gilda, and they wake up with me". For those of you not familiar with her movies, Gilda is her temptress-gone-bad mix of Satine, the courtesan, and the film noir black widow.
Your crush is the same. If there was any chance you met your crush, and dated him, you would be highly dissapointed with him, with the relationship, with yourself, and perhaps with everything. This is because your expectations are unrealistic. You are attached to an unreal person you created in your head and then projected onto a walking breathing pile of meat.
Remember, when he opens his mouth, you know he is going to be all like "Ghurrll", then he will smile and you will see his ugly teeth, next he will take off his shirt, and he will have the biggest ugliest scar on his arm, then he will speak and all that he will be talking about will be his last trick, and how he has slept with all of Manhattan and half of Brooklyn and Jersey. He will be eating dinner with you in the restaurant, picking his teeth with his fingers, he will be spitting pieces and not closing his mouth while he is chewing, perhaps he will be burping, and even laughing about it. He will go to bed with you, the sex might totally suck, or worse yet after a great night of sex, he will turn around, release a largest fart you have ever heard and experienced in technicolor THX surround sound. In the mornin,g he will wake up with drool running down his cheek, and his face will look like hell, he will clip his toenails while still in bed, perhaps even leave the bathroom door open when he goes to do a number 2. Later after a few weeks of dating, while doing laundry you will get to marvel at his skid marks, you will find his dildos next, and the video tape he made with his previous lover, he probably will not stop talking about his exes, or maybe he will spend your money until you're broke, he might even ask you to buy things constantly, or cheat on you from day one.
I don't want to sound bitter and I do not want to make you bitter but the truth is we're all human. I assure you that one person alone will not have all of the shortcomings I listed above, but they all will have one or the other.
What you need to realize is, your guy on the big pedestal is not chiseled out of marble, he is just flesh and bones; what seems like a perfect complexion from 6 feet away sometimes turns out to be a skin covered with millions of dark freckles from over-tanning.
Keep these things on your mind; and above all else, love yourself. You're hotter, smarter, and more shaggable than you think. For once look at the mirror and see your real self. He's been there in the mirror waiting for you to see him all this time.
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